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Hi everyone, I’m Dr. Michael Mantell with another edition of Family Law Matters with Bonnie Rabinovitch-Mantel, owner and managing partner of the Primus Family Law Group. Hi Bonnie. Hi Michael, it is so good to be doing these again with you.
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It’s been a long time. It seems like it has been. Today I thought we would talk about an interesting area that we both have run into recently.
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And that is dealing with families, couples who are facing the fact that their marriage is ending and they’re filed or filing for divorce, but they are overcome with guilt and shame. What’s your experience with that, especially as they have to discuss that with their families? People seem to forget that when their relationship ends, it’s just like a death in the family. I mean, people go through the same stages of grief, at least as I see it, in that process.
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And it is understandable, especially if they have children that they feel guilty because it didn’t work out. They feel somehow it’s their fault. And while we’re not therapists, we are your attorney and our job is to get you through this process, we’re also there and we spend a lot of time with our clients and we often remind them or try to remind them that those feelings, while valid, are not necessarily reflective of the reality.
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It takes two people to make a relationship, it takes two people to break a relationship, it takes a whole bunch of external factors and it’s nobody’s fault. Stuff happens, people grow, they change. Who you are at 20 is certainly not the same as who you are at 40 or any other such age.
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I find that the folks that I talk with that experience this guilt blame themselves. They’ve somehow rated themselves as bad for doing this and they’re focused on the shame of thinking about what everyone else must be thinking about them, including their children. So when you bump into that in your work with couples or individuals, how does it show itself? What do you hear from people? Well, sometimes people, when they’re feeling guilty, make really bad decisions.
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Whenever your decision-making is overrun by your emotions, that tends to lead in bad things. So for example, they may give up more than they are entitled to. They just may say, I don’t care, I don’t want it, which while it can be an altruistic thing, it is our duty as an attorney to say, okay, we understand your feeling now, but what’s that gonna look like five years from now? How is that gonna make you feel after you’ve gone through this emotional process? Other times, it also makes them adhere to unrealistic expectations, is the best way that I can put it, is they’re so guilty, they don’t see the forest for the trees.
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They do things that is not good for themselves, not good for their children, and may actually end up making their case more expensive, more drawn out than it had to be. Yeah, it just comes back always to self-blame, holding oneself responsible for something that may be factual. I did this, or I did that, or I didn’t do this, or didn’t do that.
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But to be able to move forward, one needs to release that. And I know that your team at Primus Family Law, while superb and expert attorneys, are very compassionate and empathic as well. So if people wanna talk with you about their thoughts about going forward with divorce, how can they be in touch with you? Well, Michael, just to add a little to that, everybody at Primus has actually been part of this process, so we know it from the inside out personally.
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And so if anybody out there needs help getting through the system, you can reach us at 619-574-8000. We do provide a free 30-minute phone consultation with myself or one of our other skilled attorneys. And you can reach us at www.primusfamilylaw.com. Bonnie, thanks for another wonderful edition of Family Law Matters.
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And I encourage people to give Primus Family Law Group a call to get that 30-minute free consultation. Thanks very much, see you next time.