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Welcome to Family Law Matters. I’m Dr. Michael Mantell, always privileged to be joining Bonnie Rabinovitch-Mantel, owner and managing partner of the Primus Family Law Group, where experience meets results. Hi, Bonnie.

Hi, Michael. How are you doing today? I’m doing great. How are you doing? I’m doing okay.

I have a few dogs in the house. Sorry about that. I see that.

Now, so I said I’m doing great. You said you’re doing okay. Many people think, hmm, is one doing better than the other? No, we’re not.

In fact, that’s the topic of Family Law Matters this week. The idea of competition, especially during this holiday season. What did your mom buy you? What did your dad buy you? What did his family get you? What did her family, what did her mom give you? And on and on and on.

And you know who suffers? Everybody. Bonnie, can court orders talk about not bad-mouthing the other parent? Michael, every court order has a no negative statement clause. You’re not allowed to talk badly about the other person, certainly in the presence and even within earshot of the of your children.

Because come on, kids listen at the door when you’re on the phone with grandma or grandpa or your friend. They hear everything that you say. So it’s really important because you’re supposed to foster feelings of affection with the other parent.

You’re not supposed to try to diminish their relationship. And over the holidays, what we see often is that parents feel like they have to be the Disneyland parent. You know, they have to overdo it, especially if it’s your first holiday where you’re going through the divorce or the separation.

We’ve got one parent who’s got maybe more money, more disposable income, and they go ahead and spoil the kids. And they don’t necessarily say anything negative about the other parent. But when one parent’s giving, I don’t know, cars and video games and consoles and all sorts of stuff, and the other parent’s not able to do that, you have a child who begins to internalize some resentment.

You know, parent A can do X, Y and Z for me and get me whatever I want and parent B can’t. That’s just awful. So sometimes if you’re able to, you can say, hey, what are you planning to give our kid first so we don’t double up? Or you can try to maybe set a budgetary limit on the gifts that you’re going to give.

You can’t control the other side. So unfortunately, if it happens, you know, you just have to sit down with your child and explain reality. It’s one of those life lessons.

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So I understand you’re saying you’ve never seen a court order that does not have a ruling. You can’t bad mouth, talk bad within earshot or directly about the other parent. But to quote our president, come on, man, come on.

Parents do it. I ask couples, not couples, but divorce couples, that I see, so how do you bad mouth each other? How do you put the other down? Oh, we never do, Dr. Mantell. And I say, in the words of the president, come on, man, of course you do.

Tell me how you do it. We don’t. What do you mean? Well, for example, when you’re dropping your child, when you’re going to pick your child up and the kid’s not ready, the kid gets in the car and says, what took you so long? Why couldn’t your dad get you ready? He knew I was here.

Bingo. They don’t even think that that’s bad mouthing. What’d you have for dinner last night at mom’s house? Whatever, whatever.

That was it. That’s all you had. The subtle put downs, many ways come more frequently and are much more harmful than your mother’s no good or that was a crappy gift or whatever it might be.

So get back to this court order. I have a court order. What can I realistically do? So here’s where I have to be realistic.

There’s nothing you can do because you can’t control somebody else’s mouth, right? I can’t, the judge is not going to walk into your home and say, Dr. Mantel, you’re not allowed to speak that way. It doesn’t work that way. But if it becomes pervasive where you’ve got one parent who is just a court over time may change custodial arrangements as a result.

One of the most important things that we have is each parent is supposed to be able to share, put their children’s needs first and not denigrate, disparage, talk negatively about the other side. So if you start checking off all these boxes of what the other parent’s doing and it’s resulting in a child not wanting to see parent be, a judge is going to take that into account very seriously. So if a parent is on the receiving end of that and they want legal help to deal with this, how can they be in touch with you and Primus Family Law Group? They can reach us directly at 619-574-8000.

And I’m more than happy to speak with you for 30 minutes, no charge to see how Primus can help you. You can also reach us online at www.PrimusFamilyLaw.com. There’s a form you can fill out and we now have financing options for those who are having trouble, you know, living in San Diego and paying lawyer’s fees. I get it.

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And we do offer that as well. Focus, clarity, ingenuity and insightfulness. That’s what people get at your wonderful firm, Primus Family Law Group.

Thanks so much for sharing on this very, very difficult topic. We’ll see you next time. Thanks, Michael.